Disability

I stand
beside your bed
feeling privileged
painfully aware
of my ableness
while you lie there

Your disabled body
your unraveling life
create a wall of fear
in me

“God,” you say,”is with me
but 95, no 99% of the time
I am alone”
those few words
say so much
parade hopelessness
exhibit despair
in me

Trailing thoughts
unfinished sentences
awkward silences
the ground
refusing to open up
to swallow
my insecurities

I am standing
staring
out of the window
avoiding
myself
praying
for hope
to show up
and save me

Am I waiting
for words
to cut through the silence
and destroy
your sacred struggles?

You have surrendered
fought the battle
and won
I am the one who’s lost
agonizing
in the excruciating stillness
searching
conceding
I have nothing
to give

I break the silence
with words
empty
of meaning
excuses
to escape

You don’t need them
my words
or pretexts
you have used them all
don’t depend on them
anymore
only I do

I am the one standing
but you
are the strong one
decimated by disease
physically broken
disabled
only in body

Your spirit
yielded to venerable abandonment
while mine
a cauldron of cowardly turmoil
an unholy mess

I am able
to walk away
from you
disabled
by my inability
to enter your world
and live there
with you
even for a moment
and face
my fears

Disability
mine not visible
but painfully obvious
to you